June 13, 2011 – To Say or Not To Say

In an article in the June 10 New York Times, cancer survivor Bruce Feiler shares a list of 6 things never to say to sick people, and 4 remarks that are always welcome. With one glaring exception, I agree with him.

Here’s his list of “Nevers”:

1. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?
Nobody likes to answer this question, says Bruce. Rather than relieving sick people, this question puts the burden back on them to come up with something. Just do something, he says, and don’t worry about whether it’s exactly the right thing.

2. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.
This is the one I disagree with him on, big time. On the contrary, I always find this incredibly comforting and empowering. He calls this a “mindless cliché,” a “hackneyed expression,” a “platitude.” I dunno, maybe I hear this often enough from people who are actually praying that it doesn’t strike me as false.

3. DID YOU TRY THAT MANGO COLONIC I RECOMMENDED?
I had a few experiences, too, of people recommending their wacky cures to me. (Can you say, “Quack, quack”?) Worst of all was the guy who stopped by to offer me a “free” $40 bottle of açai juice, then made sure to tell me he and his wife were in this pyramid marketing scheme, and I could use my role of influence as a pastor to help a lot of other people by getting this healthy product to them, and... need I say more?

4. EVERYTHING WILL BE O.K.
I’m glad you feel that way, but only hearing this from my doctor is going to make me feel any better.

5. HOW ARE WE TODAY?
Thankfully, this is one I never did hear from anyone – though I wouldn’t be too happy about it if I did. When you walk around with "Rev." in front of your name, I suppose people are less likely to talk down to you.

6. YOU LOOK GREAT.
Yeah, heard this a few times. Didn’t believe it for a minute, under the circumstances. Actually, I do say this from time to time when I’m visiting people in the hospital – but only when it’s really true. I figure if it’s true, it’s worth saying. If it looks to me like someone’s making a robust recovery from surgery or whatever, I figure it’s encouraging to pass the observation along. Maybe I’m wrong about that. And yes, I realize my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) supervisor, back in seminary days, would never go along with it. (“Don’t try so hard to be comforting. It’s not your job to make the patient feel better. Focus on the person’s feelings and reflect them back.”) Yeah, right. I do that a lot. I did learn something in CPE. Yet, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the actual practice of ministry, it’s that there’s no formula that works 100% of the time. Sometimes you gotta go with your gut. And truth-telling is always a good thing, when it can be done in a way that’s empowering.

So much for the Don’ts. Now, here’s Bruce’s list of Dos:

1. DON’T WRITE ME BACK.
This is a good one. It says to the person, “I want to let you know I’m thinking about you, but I don’t want you to feel under any social obligation to respond. Save your energy for getting better!"

2. I SHOULD BE GOING NOW.
Don’t overstay your welcome. Always good advice. Being there’s the most important thing, but being there doesn’t mean hanging around indefinitely.

3. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GOSSIP?
By this, he means “Change the subject. Talk about something else besides blood tests and IVs and prescriptions for a change." Yes!

4. I LOVE YOU.
“It doesn’t need to be ornamented. It just needs to be real.” This is the best one of all, for sure.