Saturday, November 16, 2013
There's a great deal of wisdom in this brief (3 minutes) TED Talk from 2010, by cancer survivor Stacey Kramer. It expresses a viewpoint very similar to my own, when it comes to the unexpected gifts cancer can bring. (The last several minutes are a commercial you can skip.)
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I am in the hospital - Ocean Medical Center - although I'm glad to be able to say it has nothing to do with a recurrence of my lymphoma.
I'd been having problems with shortness of breath of late, and it got so bad that I asked Claire to drive me to the Emergency Room. Various scans revealed a diagnosis of pulmonary emboli, or runaway blood clots - one in each lung - and another one developing in my lower right leg.
The up-and-coming clot in my leg is of greater concern, because clots that break off from such a location can end up not only in the lungs, but also in the brain (stroke) or in the heart (heart attack).
The decision was made to treat me with blood-thinners - warfarin (Coumadin) pills as well as something called Lovenex that they taught me to inject myself with, because I'd likely need to keep up with that therapy twice a day at home. "Lovenex for the love handles," is what they say - because that's where the tiny hypodermic syringe's needle gets inserted.
I'd been in the hospital for a week, on oxygen and a heart monitor (just to be safe). I didn't feel especially bad, and the supplementary oxygen really did help. The decision had just been made to send me home, so Claire was in the room helping me pack my things. Sitting in the bedside chair, I began to feel lightheaded and to experience some pain in my abdomen. They laid me back in the bed, and I began to hear two words, over and over: "rapid response." Suddenly, everyone but me had been whisked out of the room, and I was surrounded by hospital staff and little carts with electronic gadgets on them.
The blood-thinners had led to an abdominal bleed. I can recall feeling fortunate that this had happened while I was still in the hospital, and not on the way home. I would later learn that it was likely caused by one of those Lovenex needles that missed the soft roll of the love handles and pierced some muscle instead. But who's to say?
My begging must have become so piteous - I can recall punctuating my plea with the phrase, "I beg you, man, by everything that's holy" - that he finally did contact one of the hospitalists on call, who sent word to switch me to intravenous Dilaudid. That stronger medicine helped some, but I was still riding the downslope of its effectiveness about an hour before the next dose was permitted.
I don't suppose it was easy for him to see a patient in such agony, pulling myself as high up onto the bed rail as I possibly could (the least painful position) - and he did seem to be a genuinely caring individual - but there we were, both caught up in an inflexible and somewhat arbitrary system.
No minutes ever moved more slowly than the last 15... 10... 5... 1... before the nurse was at last able to inject a new dose of Dilaudid into my IV line. As he would leave the room to do whatever nurses need to do in the middle of the night to access the hard stuff, he didn't always think ahead (or was perhaps distracted by the needs of his other patients), leading to my getting my medicine dose not merely on time, but even a little late. Those extra minutes seemed an especially unfair addition.
Yes, I know narcotic addiction is a very real thing in our society, and there are some who would eagerly raid a hospital dispensary in the middle of the night to feed their habit, but it does seen a shame that such protocols would cause even a minute of delay for a patient who is in severe pain for legitimate reasons.
It's also a shame that a nurse would feel the slightest hesitation about tracking down a doctor on call, to see about switching pain medications, but I could tell he was inclined, at first, to stick close to the hospitalist's original orders. Such is the elaborate pecking-order of the healthcare system. Who knows - maybe he'd been stepped on by a doctor's outsized ego sometime in the past?
What's the point of asking patients about their pain level, on the proverbial scale of 1 to 10, if nobody does anything meaningful with that data?
Anyway, I didn't mean to go off in this direction, talking about pain management, but recalling my story brought that miserable night back home to me.
What I did mean to write about - and still will - is a thought I had while lying in my bed on the Critical Care Unit (which is where my pulmonologist, Dr. Gustavo De La Luz, insisted I be taken the next morning, as soon as he was on the case).
I realized, then, how a return visit to Susan Sonntag's "Kingdom of the Sick" is very much an encounter with the radical present. For the past two weeks, everything going on in my life by way of future plans has been rendered irrelevant. The longer-term past has some continuing significance, to be sure, but only with respect to matters such as medical history. People like me wearing hospital gowns have shed any status or position they may otherwise enjoy in society. It doesn't matter how we'd planned to spend our time before experiencing this medical detour, because all such plans have gone out the window. We are cases, now, and the medical institutions that seek to heal us do so through relentless attention to the present. The future belongs to the well. For the sick, it's all about the present.
Lying there in Critical Care, I took note of the electronic sentinels silently watching the most critical of data, issuing that soft tone to call attention back to the inescapable present. Back in history the jagged lines on the screen extend, but only until a new present intrudes. As for the future, that remains offscreen.
Back in a regular hospital room as I now am - missing church on this Sunday morning and awaiting word on options for physical therapy to regain my strength, it looks like I'm going to be living in the present for a while longer.